‘Er-er-er-er … – Graham put on his typical stuttering –You must tell us are your stories true or a pure fantasy! Will you share your secret?’
‘It is a mixture – I said – You see… I am a person who believes in miracles. I truly believe in the impossible. In this country you say I am a space cadet’
‘Hahahaha ‘– Graham joined the audience and giggled too.
‘I never know where the line between reality and fantasy is’ – I was determined to explain it all –‘ I need only a little hint and my imagination is on max.’
‘I understand ‘– Graham was willing to support me.
‘ It will be nice if you give us an example. Here is the book. Please open it randomly and tell us the story BEHIND the story!’
‘Oooookaaaaayyy . Let me open the book wherever… Good! This is the story about drug distribution. Do you know it?’
‘Yeeessss’ Graham and the audience shouted at once.
‘Okay. I always wanted to speak French. For various reasons I never did. Suddenly I decided it is time for me to learn it and here we go, I found a course and I enrolled in it. The only thing I had to do was to put fuel in my car and to be good in class.’
‘The problem was that this car was out of the world too. It did not have MOT, no insurance and no document for ownership either. Except the full illegality of the car, there was another problem. Everything on this metal pile was terrible wrong. No one ever could say when exactly it will stop and where. It was a pure lotto game. Buuuut, I had to drive every day 40 km in order to learn French. And here I go. It was my first day at school. I was sitting in the car, getting very hot. The motor was almost boiling and I had the heating system on to keep the motor’s temperature down as much as possible. I literally felt my face burning. It was late April, very sunny and quite warm outside. Inside – was a sauna. Every passed kilometre made me sautéed in my own souse. Suddenly I imagined how I will go to the course where I will meet nice people. They will look at me and someone bravely will ask why my face is so red. I will explain the problem and THEN The Miracle will happen. A fellow non-speaking-French man will tell me how he knows what the problem is and he will fix the car. I immediately will refuse his goodness by informing him that I am not able to pay. He will look at me surprised and will say that this will be free of charge. It will be a friendly gesture.’
‘Nice man ‘said Graham and everyone laughed.
‘Oh, yeah! ‘ I approved. ‘ But then I started thinking. Ha! When I was young, it was very normal to receive help. I was very pretty and everyone was pushing his or her assistance on me. Now I am 60 yo eerrr…. lady. Why would someone do that for me? I am not a sexist, but let us be laud and honest, huh?’
There was a big explosion of laugher in the studio.
‘As I was driving and almost boiled in the car my fantasy went wild. Suddenly I had a story but no idea what will happened in it. Obviously, I cannot play the young sexy girl who will receive everything she wants to. I had to find the real reason this person want to fix my car. There should be a relation to something else. Alternatively, there will be no story to tell. This is how the idea for the drug cartel came into my mind. Ricardo needed a place to hide his drugs, which apparently he nicked from a bigger guy. My car was the obvious solution. I will drive the car keeping safely the bloody things, while he will pretend he was fixing it for me. I will be a drug lordes … you know … lord, but feminine (the audience explode with laugher). This is the story behind the story which I wrote later in the day after school.’
‘Did you meet Ricardo when went to the class?’ asked Graham
‘While I was developing the story in my boiled mind, I started hating Ricardo for everything he did to me! When I entered the class room I was so angry that if there was any Ricardo, or Ramirez or any other good man who will offer to help with the car, I will be furious!’
This is how my participation in Graham Norton’s show went.
It was funny. It was nice.
I like the man and I was pleased to be part of this world known talk show.
There is a small detail though. A little ‘But’.
The participation never happened in the real life. It is a pure imagination. Imagination ignited by the heat in the car.
It was late April. It was warm outside and I was boiling in my illegal and dangerous car on my way to the course.
As you understand, this part is true.
I was also thinking about how I came to this point in my life and at this moment, I really wanted a miracle. For that reason, I imagined how someone would offer me a help.
Then my imagination went wild, as you can see above.
I did not know how to structure the story. I thought it would be nice, if it were as a dialog. The name of Graham Norton came naturally as a guideline.
There was a time, when I was watching all of his shows.
It was a pleasure.
It was a fun.
It was something.
Now I do not want even to hear about him or his show.
It is so very commercial and typical. It is boring.
Some people were telling every day stories to a man, paid a fortune to sit and have a fun, while the viewers will have a mental orgasm front of the TV listening to more idiotic stories than this one.